Let me start by asking you a question: Do you find you are attracted to those who are the least available to have a relationship with you?
Sometimes relationship problems start even before there is a relationship. I cannot tell you how many times friends and acquaintances have come to me with this dilemma. They tell me about their grief and disappointment over a relationship they’d like to have, but don’t. Some of the reasons given for the non-relationship status include: the other is married, lives in another state, is in love already with someone else, is in a different social class, a different religion, and the really devastating one, the person does not share the same level of attraction for you as you feel for the other person. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve talked to who fit the bill for the type I call the Impossible Dreamers.*
Imagine a scenario like this: The Impossible Dreamer attends a lovely social evening where it just so happens there are 30 guests hoping to meet the man or woman of their dreams. Everyone is dressed well, putting their best foot forward, so to speak. The ambience has been carefully designed—golden candlelight and fragrant greenery, soft, seductive music playing in the background—to make the guests look their best and feel relaxed.
On this particular evening, our Impossible Dreamer is positively scintillating, a real charmer. Among the guests, 29 are favorably inclined toward the Impossible Dreamer, interested in getting together again. The 30th person is not interested, preferring another guest instead.
You can guess where this is going, right? Like a compass needle to true north, the Impossible Dreamer is immediately and intensely drawn to the one person in the room who is not interested. As far as the ID is concerned, the other, interested 29 are at the least non-existent, at worst are boring or unattractive. In the mind of our ID, every one of the 29 are just not the right type. Our ID may even have the sinking thought that tonight’s experience happens more often than not. Our ID has likely gone through adulthood in a constant pursuit of one uninterested or unavailable person after another and may have despaired at the idea of ever finding the Right Person.
The good thing about an Impossible Dreamer is you are likely an optimist. Optimism is associated with health, longevity and tenacity—all excellent life tools.
Is this you? Do you consistently pick people who are not interested in you, or worse, pick those who are mildly interested but are not even close to feeling the intense feelings of attraction you have for them? Are you basically rowing that boat all by yourself, always waiting for the other to pick up the oars and contribute to the forward motion of the thing you insist on calling a relationship? Do you spend your valuable, fruitful days, months, even years waiting for the other to finally realize you were made for each other? Are you an Impossible Dreamer?
If your answer is yes, there is good news. There is a solution for you, the Impossible Dreamer, and it’s not an impossible one. In fact, the steps to letting go of the disappointments and time-wasting efforts at fruitless relationships are fairly straightforward—if you are ready to take some steps. If you are, you will be pleasantly surprised at how painless your solution can be. You’ve already taken the first step, after all: you’ve recognized that you are an Impossible Dreamer, and that it just doesn’t work.
*The Impossible Dreamer and other “relationship personality types” are presented to entertain, inform and educate, not to diagnose. They are Auntie Veranda’s way of describing sets of behaviors she has observed in others. The list is not definitive; she hasn’t had time to share all her observations of other humans, but she’ll keep working on it.