Part 5- Is your relationship free of verbal abuse…
Key Feature #4, continued: In your relationship, do you both agree that when you have an argument or disagreement, you will not call each other names or use derogatory personal statements, no matter how angry or upset you are? Your answers should be ‘yes.’ If it is anything other than yes, the two of you do not have a relationship that feels good. I guarantee that if you have ever called your partner a name or used a derogatory personal statement, she remembers it, down to the day, time and circumstance in which it occurred. It takes a huge amount of trust-rebuilding to make up for just one slip of the tongue.
Why? Because name calling and other verbal ugliness will have made your partner believe that is how you really feel, no matter what else you say, or how often you apologize.
If you have experienced name-calling or verbal abuse in your relationship, it is possible to change this, but will take some work and a strong commitment from both of you to do it. You can help yourselves to heal from verbal abuse by reading self help books and by talking to a Coach or a Therapist about what’s involved in doing this healing in your own relationship.Read on...
Key Feature #5: Are you polite and accommodating to each other? The answer should be an unequivocal ‘yes.’ Manners are just as important after you are married or in a committed relationship, as they were when you were courting. This means you say please and thank you even if no one else is listening, or even if it is in response to something your partner does for you every day.
For example, over the 22 years we have been together, my wife and I have worked out a division of labor that works for us. She hates to food shop, so I do it. I hate to do dishes, so she does them. Even though it is an arrangement that needs no discussion, we still thank each other for what the other does that makes our life together pleasant and workable. If she brings me tea, I say thank you. If I need her to carry something heavier than I can lift, I ask with a “please.” Even if I know she will do it without question, I always say please–and thank you. It lets her know how much I appreciate what she does. It also lets her know I respect her time, and understand that the time she gives to me to do things for me is a gift. She treats me with the same respect and caring.
Believe me, the rewards for this kind of positive behavior are plentiful. Very soon you will feel like you have always behaved in this loving way toward one another. If you do not have an agreement that this is something you both do, then chances are, your relationship doesn’t feel all that good. But if you do agree on this point and practice it, chances are your relationship will begin to feel pretty darn good. Any expression of “please” or “thank you” will count double if it is accompanied by eye contact and a smile.